


Slow Dance

by Pastel_Teacups



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Eventual Child Abuse, Flashbacks, Gary's Tragic Past, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-28
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-09 09:34:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 11,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3244757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastel_Teacups/pseuds/Pastel_Teacups
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How Gary and Kieren's relationship begins and what they have to go through in order to be okay again. </p><p>(OR: An AU where everything is the same in Season 1, but Season 2 never happens.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It starts more normally than Gary would expect.

Well not normal, per se, but it starts out about as normal as anything in Gary’s life could. 

Kieren is standing at the bar, his eyes down as he cleans off a glass and glances up at the clock from beneath fluttering eyelashes. It’s nearly closing. Almost every patron of the Legion has filtered out, left to get back to families or jobs or, at the very least, their cats. 

Except for Gary. 

Gary’s sitting at his usual table, periodically sipping his pint and wondering just _why_ his chest seemed to tighten whenever Kieren’s eyelashes fluttered like that. 

After nearly five minutes of the uncomfortable silence between them, Kieren speaks. 

“We’re closing.” 

It was a timid thing, spoken to the room rather than any person in particular, and Gary wonders if Kieren’s afraid of him. It isn’t exactly a far-fetched thought. 

A long moment of silence passes, and eventually Kieren turns to face him.

Gary wonders why he uses so much cover-up. 

“We’re closing.” 

 

His voice is sharper, more direct, and Gary gives him a small, bitter smile. 

“Can’t a guy finish his drink?” He asks after a careful moment, lifting his glass. It’s nearly empty. Gary doesn’t know why he wants to stay. 

Kieren gives a tired sigh. Gary knows it’s been hard, with Rick dying again and all. Part of Gary almost feels bad. 

“Come on, Gary, not tonight.” He closes his eyes with a pained expression, not noticing as Gary stands up and takes silent steps toward him. 

When Kieren opens his eyes he doesn’t flinch, though Gary can see that he’s nervous. His eyes won’t meet Gary’s. “Gary,” 

He doesn’t know what to say. Kieren’s staring at their feet and Gary wants to say _something_ , but he doesn’t know what. “Look, Kieren-” 

“Don’t.” Kieren whispers, voice fragile. “Just don’t, I’m not-” 

He’s staring down at Gary’s feet in misery, and before Gary can stop himself he’s leaning forward and pressing his lips to Kieren’s. 

They’re cold, like plunging into a lake in the winter, but as the younger man’s lips soften and he leans into the touch there’s a certain warmth to them somewhere beneath the cold. 

When he pulls away reluctantly, Kieren opens his eyes and actually _looks_ at him for the first time since his return. 

“Have a drink with me.” Gary offers after a hushed moment, and Kieren’s artificial eyes stare back at him widely. 

Gary wonders what he looks like without all the makeup. 

“I can’t drink.” 

Gary’d almost forgotten. “Right, well-” 

“I’ll have a seat with you.” Kieren offers, and Gary nods. 

A seat and a kiss. It’s a good start. 

Right?


	2. Chapter 2

They become normal, somewhat. 

They wait until the Legion closes to sit and talk for hours, free from Roarton’s judging eyes and everything else they spend too much time hiding from. 

Kieren’s surprisingly easy to talk to, and as they sit through nights in hushed voices and carefully tangled fingers Gary finds himself slowly slipping into the madness that could only be something akin to affection. 

Not love, certainly. Gary doesn’t fall in love. 

But it’s something, and one night when Kieren asks to see his flat, he can’t say no. 

“It’s not much,” he says when Kieren steps inside, feeling suddenly self-conscious about the state of it all.

Kieren looks around slowly, taking it all in like it’s a museum. It’s nothing too special, though, just a plain living room with a couch, a TV, and a bookshelf. The bookshelf holds a few of the classics but what really catches his eye is a framed photo of a young girl, perhaps a few years younger than Jem. 

“It’s not too bad,” Kieren promises, eyes still on the photo. “Who’s this?” 

Gary looks up, and his eyes change. “Oh. That’s my sister.” 

Kieren looks up with a gentle smile on his face. “I didn’t know you had a little sister.”

He shrugs in reply. He doesn’t want to talk about this. “She’s-I don’t. She died.” 

“Oh.” He can feel the apology before it reaches Kieren’s lips. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s fine.” He dismisses, shaking his head. “It was a while ago.” 

“How did she die?” Kieren asks, before shaking his head. “You don’t have to tell me. That was-” 

“In the Rising. Just in the beginning. She went out for supplies, and a rotter-I mean-something attacked her. By the time I got there, it was too late.” 

Kieren staring at him with pity in those big eyes. When he speaks, his voice is a whisper. 

“I’m so sorry, Gary.” 

He looks back at the photo, remembering all too vividly that day.

_”Shit, alright, hey, you’ll be alright.”_

_“Don’t lie,” she’d demanded, her teeth grit in some attempt to numb the pain. Always a fighter, that one. Tougher than Gary, sometimes. “Don’t lie to me. I’m going to die.”_

_Gary’s hands couldn’t fix her. Nothing could. “Don’t say that. Help is coming, you’ll be alright, they’re on their way. The government’s sending people, and they’re going to fix this.”_

_They had to._

_She’d looked up at him with almost-teary eyes. Gary’s heart broke._

_“Nobody’s coming.”_

_She was right._

“Gary?” 

He looks up, only just realizing he’d been out for the last two minutes or so. 

“Sorry,” he murmurs, shaking his head in some attempt to clear it. It doesn’t help much.

“It’s okay,” Kieren murmurs, but he’s looking at Gary different now than before. “Flashbacks. I get them, too.” 

Gary doesn’t want to think of the kind of flashbacks Kieren must get. He shivers at the mere thought. 

“Got any music?” Kieren asks after a long while, a light look on his face. 

“You want to listen to music?” Gary asks incredulously, and Kieren almost laughs. 

“Sure. Why not?” 

He steps further into the flat without invitation and finds a terribly dusty record player. “No way.”

“It was my parents’,” Gary explains as Kieren wipes the dust off the top and opens it up. “I’m not even sure it works, but there are some records on the shelf if you think you can figure it out.” 

He sits down and watches Kieren look through the old records, tugging one out with a pleased look on his face. “Your parents had good taste.” 

Gary wouldn’t know. But that’s another story, and one he doesn’t care to go into at the moment. 

So he doesn’t, only smiles gently and watches Kieren carefully set the record into the player and put the needle down. 

Frank Sinatra. 

Gary remembers this record, this song, the first and last time he heard it playing. 

_He was four, and his mother was dancing around the kitchen._

_She set down a spoon specifically so that she could dance, and there was a smile on her face big enough to house all the stars in the sky._

_Gary watched carefully as his father joined her, twining their fingers together and swaying in rhythm with the music like there wasn’t food burning on the stove or a child sitting and watching them._

_From the soft carpet of the living room, Gary could only catch a very vague glimpse of his parents, of the meaningfulness of that particular moment between them. It was a private moment between them, something that wasn’t quite secret but wasn’t quite public either. It was just. . . something. Gary didn’t know what. But even to his younger self, it seemed important and uninterruptible. He didn’t cry or shout, only listened in that moment._

“It’s a lovely song, isn’t it?” 

Kieren’s seated himself next to Gary on the couch. He can feel the cold radiating off of his dead skin. 

“Yeah.” He murmurs after a while, and he feels Kieren’s icy fingers tangle easily with his. He’s getting used to the cold, now. “Yeah, it is.” 

When Kieren falls asleep on his shoulder, he wonders if this is like one of those moments his parents used to have. 

He isn’t sure. But it certainly feels like one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! The next chapter should be up on Friday!


	3. Chapter 3

Waking up has never really been Gary’s thing, but doing it with Kieren has its own little pleasures. 

His neck is sore from the awkward position it’d been in resting against Kieren’s head, and though his entire body aches he feels better than he has in years. 

Kieren’s still asleep so he can’t move much, only twist his neck and stretch his legs a bit. Then, against his better judgement, he looks down and takes the boy in. 

He looks peaceful in sleep, more peaceful than Gary’s seen him, his sandy eyelashes resting against his cheeks and his lips gently parted. His chest doesn’t rise and fall like it does when he’s awake, and Gary wonders if Kieren does it simply to keep up appearances. 

He finds the remote and flips through the channels on mute, and is blearily watching some game show when he feels Kieren stir beside him. 

Gary glances down just in time to see Kieren yawn widely, sort of like some fuzzy pet that Gary never had. His chest starts to rise and fall like somebody living, and when his eyes flutter open artificial brown flickers around the room before eventually landing on Gary’s. 

After a moment of just simply staring at each other, Kieren speaks. “Morning.” 

“Morning,” he murmurs softly, his voice rusty with fatigue. “Sleep well?” 

He lifts his head from Gary’s shoulder and nods, not moving too far away from Gary as he stretches. 

“Yeah.” He says it like he hasn’t slept in weeks, and Gary feels a wave of pity. “I’m sorry for intruding. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” 

Gary shakes his head in dismissal, moving his neck around in some attempt to keep it from aching. “It’s alright. I don’t mind.” 

Kieren looks back up at him and then they’re kissing, their lips gentle and cautious against each others. 

It’s perfect, Gary can’t deny it. All of his kisses before Kieren’s seem suddenly inferior, uncomfortable and too warm compared to Kieren’s icy lips. 

When he pulls away Kieren looks at him, eyes filled with some emotion that Gary can’t place. “Do you remember your first kiss, Gary?” 

He doesn’t know why, but he does. 

_Gary was five, and school wasn’t exactly his favorite pastime._

_He’d gotten very good at punching, on a completely related note. It was what had landed him in the front office that day, staring at his red knuckles and waiting for his mother to arrive._

_When the door opened Gary looked up, and in came his mother with his still-newborn sister in her arms._

_His class had only_ heard _of his baby sister, not seen her, and Gary personally found that seeing her was much better than hearing people talk about her._

_But he didn’t have too much time to think about his snoozing sister, though, because his mother was sighing at him in that “oh,_ Gary _” way._

_She kneeled down in front of him and raised an eyebrow. “Gary-”_

_“I know,” he’d said quickly, resolutely not looking at her. “But he was being a right git, he was, and-”_

_“Gary.” She said firmly to silence him, putting up a hand. “You know that fighting is_ never _the answer.”_

_She reached up run a careful hand over the bruise blooming under his eye. “Even if they are right gits.”_

_He nodded, rightfully shamed, and hung his head in accordance._

_“Now, let’s get you home.” She stood, and Gary remembers thinking that she was better than most moms at that particular moment. Other moms might have yelled. His mom didn’t need to._

_“My things are still in the classroom.” He muttered miserably, and she nodded in understanding._

_His sister roused in her arms, her big blue eyes opening, and Gary’s mother cooed to her before looking to Gary. “I’ll go get them. You stay put.”_

_She walked off, and Gary then realized that he wouldn’t get to see his class’ reaction to his sister, couldn’t beam and puff out his chest in brotherly pride if he wasn’t there._

_Alone and made freshly miserable by this new revelation, Gary sat and waited quietly until a small finger tapped his shoulder._

_His eyes met with Vicky Waters’ brown ones when he glanced up, and she stared at him for a long moment before looking away._

_“It was really brave, you know. Punching that guy like you did.”_

_Gary thought Vicky was sort of cute, compared to the rest of his Roarton-esque class. “Thanks.”_

_She stared up at him a few seconds longer, before leaning forward and pressing her lips to his._

_It was quick, and awkward, and after Vicky pulled away she’d disappeared down the hall so fast Gary wondered if she’d ever been there at all._

_“Now, then,” his mother interrupted his thoughts by dropping his schoolbag in the chair next to him, still toting a now fully-awake little sister in her arms. “Let’s get going, shall we?”_

“No,” he says to Kieren, because he doesn’t want to bore the boy with his violent and not-so-romantic childhood. “Not really.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> Next chapter should be up by Friday!


	4. Chapter 4

Slowly, they learn. 

They spend more and more time together behind the legion’s closed sign, past Gary’s front door and deep within the confines of his bedroom. 

Gary learns everything, listens to every story Kieren’s willing to tell. He learns about what he was like as a kid, the first time he picked up a paintbrush, everything. 

And one night Kieren doesn’t feel like talking, and he asks the world of Gary. 

“Tell me about you. I’ve been talking too much.” He murmurs one night while they’re sitting in Gary’s bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to each other talk. Kieren’s head is on his chest, and Gary wonders if he can feel the heartbeat underneath his skin.

“There’s not much to know,” he says, because there isn’t. 

Kieren tuts at him, turning so that he can look into Gary’s eyes. “That’s a lie. There’s always something to know. Tell me about your parents, or something.” 

Gary’s parents. 

_He couldn’t remember their voices._

_It’d only been twenty minutes, and Gary couldn’t remember what his parents voices were like._

_It’d been a car accident, and it’d been his fault._

_He’d gotten into trouble for fighting again and, being merely six, his teacher thought it best they had a small conference discussing his behavior._

_And on the way, they crashed._

_And his parents had been trapped in the car._

_And when the police fished them out, their eyes were wide and glassy in a way that Gary had never seen before._

_Gary barely had a scratch._

_His sister was at home with the babysitter. She would be fine._

_But his parents were gone._

_A paramedic draped a blanket over his shoulders. He wasn’t sure how it was supposed to help._

_What was he supposed to do now?_

“They died. When I was young.” He says after a long while, and Kieren pauses. 

He doesn’t speak for a long while, and then he reaches a hand up to run through Gary’s dark hair. 

“I’m sorry.” He murmurs, and there’s a true sort of apology in his tone. “Seems you’re just unlucky in the family area.” 

“Guess you could say that.” He whispers, and Kieren presses a careful kiss to his cheek. The cold doesn’t shock him like it did the first time. Now he finds it refreshing, less like slipping on ice and more like having a glass of cold water. 

Kieren watches him intently for a few long moments, before he let his head lean against Gary’s chest once again. “Well, at least you’ve got a few people now, right?” 

Gary almost scoffs. “Yeah. You and Jem. We should all have a party.” 

“Better than nothing,” Kieren tries, shrugging. 

He’s right. Gary knows he is. 

“I am glad for you. That you’re still here.” He tells the younger softly, and he can feel Kieren’s gentle smile against his chest. 

“Yeah?” 

Gary can’t help but smile back. “Yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm posting a bit late-it's been a pretty exhausting week for me. But I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> The next chapter should be up on Friday!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxine Martin takes up residence in Roarton, and meets Kieren.

It’s a late, dark night when Gary hears a frantic knock at his door. 

He’d been sleeping, or trying to sleep, and as such is in his pajamas when he opens the door. 

And a certain lanky undead pushes past him and collapses onto the couch.

“Kieren?” He asks blearily, two steps behind, and when he closes the door and turns to the younger he hears him let out a pathetically ragged breath. 

“Maxine Martin is here.” 

 

Gary pauses, rubbing a hand over his face in some attempt to wake himself up. “Wait. Who?” 

Kieren pushes his fingers through his hair, not quite looking at Gary. “She’s with Victus.” 

The word makes his blood run cold. He’d never been much for politics, but since he and Kieren started whatever this was that they had he knew well enough that Victus was little more than a particularly powerful bunch of bitter arses with nothing better to do than hate the undead. 

Like Gary was, a few months ago. 

Either way, hot hatred for this Maxine Martin bubbles in his chest before he’d even met her. “Ah.” 

He sits down beside Kieren and wraps an arm around him, hoping to be something of a comfort to the younger. 

“She touched my hand,” he says uselessly, leaning against Gary heavily. “She touched my hand, and she felt the cold. And she _hated_ it, Gary.” 

The end of the statement comes out in a whisper, and Gary’s arm around him automatically tightens. 

“Hey,” he murmurs firmly, shaking his head. “Hey, listen. You know those Victus bastards are idiots. She’d be crazy not to love you.” 

Kieren still looks distressed. Gary doesn’t know how to help. 

_His sister looked distressed. Gary didn’t know how to help._

_“Hey, don’t look like that.” He told her, though she was only one and couldn’t understand him yet._

_Her little eyes stared up at him from her carrier widely, and she had that look about her like she was about to start crying. Gary felt the frantic need to stop the tears before they started._

_“It’ll be fine. It’s just a new place, is all.” He told her firmly, looking from her to the house in front of them._

_It was his uncle’s home. Their last and only family._

_And now it would be their home, too._

_They would be okay._

_They would be okay._

“Hey, don’t look like that,” he tries for the second time in his life, even though he’s twenty years older and things are eternally different. 

“You’ll be fine. I promise. We’ll be fine.” 

Kieren looks up at him with big eyes. They’re not blue like his sister’s, but they’re just as wide and afraid. “I don’t feel like I’ll be fine.” 

He looks scared. Gary wishes he could wipe the concern off of his face somehow. 

“Well, you will be. I promise.” Gary holds him tightly, never wanting to let go. 

\----

“I’m going to Paris.” Kieren tells him after a long, long silence, and Gary’s heart stops. 

Kieren. Leaving Roarton. Without him. 

Part of him wants to sob. 

But he knows it’s best. 

“Good. Probably best you get out of here.” He murmurs, and even though his heart aches he’s happy for Kieren. 

They’ll be okay. 

They’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! I hope you enjoy and keep reading. If all goes to plan, there's about 15 more chapters ahead of time. 
> 
> The next chapter should be up Tuesday.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor warnings here for a few unsavory terms for homosexual, but it's nothing absolutely major.

_”What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”_

_Gary hated it when his uncle yelled._

_He was roughly ripped away from the first friend he’d made in years, who he’d been innocently holding hands with prior to his uncle’s arrival._

_At a mere ten years old, Gary hadn’t seen the problem with their interlocked fingers._

_Now, though, something had to be very wrong with it if it made his uncle_ this _angry._

_The larger man dragged him to the car and put him in, climbing into the driver’s seat and peeling out of his primary school._

_They rode in silence for a while, until his uncle spoke through gritted teeth: “Can’t be holding hands with lads, Gary.”_

_“Why not?” He asked, eyebrows knit in his current confusion._

_“You just can’t.” His knuckles were white against the steering wheel._

_Then, in a murmur: “No family of mine’s gonna turn into some fairy.”_

“Oh my god!” 

All the nights they’d been together at the Legion, Pearl had never once forgot her cell phone and come back for it. 

But tonight, she had. 

And she just so happened to see Gary. 

And Kieren. 

Having a particularly inappropriate kiss. 

It was only a matter of time, really. 

She stumbles back like she’s been shot, and Gary makes no move to correct her. No point now, anyways.

Kieren’s out of his seat in seconds, not quite moving towards her but not moving away, either. 

Pearl’s eyes harden, and she turns to Gary. “You, get out.” 

He opens his mouth to protest, but Kieren beats him to it. “Pearl-” 

“And you!” She turns to him, face twisted with rage. “I take you in, give you a job when nobody else would, and _this_ is how you repay me?” 

Kieren goes from apologetic to offended in seconds, but Pearl continues. 

“Nobody wants to take your sort in, being like you are, and you’re twice as bad, and-” 

 

“Twice as bad?” Kieren interrupts incredulously, an eyebrow raised. 

Pearl stares at him like it’s obvious, before elaborating. “Don’t tell me you don’t hear what they say. PDS? _And_ a fruit?” 

Kieren’s hands turn to fists at his sides. Gary stands up. 

“Come on,” he murmu softly to Kieren, putting a hand on his shoulder. He’s never once been the voice of reason in his entire life, but now it seems appropriate. “Let’s just go. It’s not worth it.” 

Reluctantly Kieren nods, digs the pub’s keys out of his pocket and drops them carelessly on the table. 

“And don’t come back, either of you!” 

 

Kieren looks like he wants to scream, and as he and Gary leave he grips Gary’s hand tightly enough to hurt. 

Gary waits for a moment, before cautiously speaking up. “Well, on the bright side, we can do this now.” He swings their hands between them, making some vain attempt to cheer him up. The public display of affection is as foreign to him as it is to Kieren, but it’s nice in a new sort of way.

“Yeah. I guess so.” 

They walk together all the way back to Kieren’s house, because it’s his last night in Roarton and that’s where he should be. When they reach the Walker’s door, though, they stop. 

“Well. Here we are.” Kieren murmurs gently, looking down at their entwined fingers. 

Gary’s going to miss him. 

He doesn’t say it in words, though, only squeezes Kieren’s hand and nods gently. “Here we are.” 

Kieren shifts on his feet, then says what Gary’s thinking. “I-I’m going to miss you.” He smiles almost bitterly. “You’re about the only good thing here.” 

_You’re_ my _only good thing here,_ Gary’s mind screams. 

He leans forward, and his lips find Kieren’s in a longing and somewhat desperate kiss. 

When Gary pulls away he’s dizzy, dizzy with affection and loss and goodbyes. “I’ll write.” He promises gently, and when Kieren meets his eyes he looks like he’s on the verge of tears. Gary wonders if he can really cry.

Kieren gives him a sad smile. “You’d better. Think I’d go crazy without you.” 

Gary returns the smile. “Nah, you’ll be fine. Getting out of Roarton, and everything. Can’t be worse than it is here.” 

“Well, you’ve got that right.” Kieren murmurs, and Gary wishes he wasn’t going. 

But the better part of him knows he has to. 

They stand there in silence for a moment, before Kieren steps forward and embraces Gary tightly. 

It takes him aback, but after a moment he returns the embrace with similar desperation. 

“Don’t forget about me in the big city, yeah?” Gary whispers, and he can feel tears wet his shirt. 

“Never could.” Kieren manages shakily against him, and when they pull away Kieren wipes his eyes quickly. “I’ll see you around, right?” 

Gary nods in some urgent attempt to comfort Kieren. And himself. His eyes sting with tears that he won’t let fall. “‘Course you will. Can’t get rid of me that easy.” 

Kieren gives him a gently, desperate smile. “Bye, Gary.” 

“Bye, Kier.” 

He disappears, and Gary already misses him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone (if there is anyone) who's been reading this, I appreciate all your Kudos! 
> 
> The next chapter will be up on Friday.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieren can't go to Paris.

A day later Kieren bursts back into Gary’s flat in an orange smock and with an extremely distraught look on his face.

“Kieren?” Gary asks from his place on the sofa, and a million questions ring through his mind: _What about Paris? What’s wrong? How did you get into my flat?_

“They won’t let me go. To France.” Kieren tells him hurriedly, and when he turns to face Gary he looks so angry and violated that Gary’s already up to strangle whoever made Kieren look that way. 

“What do you mean? Who?” 

Kieren paces the floor for a good minute, before taking hold of the orange smock and tugging it over his head. He chucks it to the floor, but Gary can still make out the slogan: 

_I’m PDS and I’m giving back._

Gary feels hot anger bubble in his chest. “Victus.” 

The younger collapses on the couch, head in his hands. “They’ve taken everything from me. Why this, too?” 

He wants to comfort Kieren, but he’s far too angry. 

“Those bastards. You’re not like those others, you wouldn’t go rabid on a train like those, you’re-” 

“There’s no point, Gary.” Kieren interrupts, eyes covered by his hands. “They won’t let me do anything. I can’t get out of here.” 

Part of Gary wants to be glad, that Kieren would be staying with him if for just a bit longer, but most of him is aggravated by the news. Kieren should be allowed to come and go as he pleases. He shouldn’t be stuck here. 

“Well-it can’t be permanent, right? There are surely ways to get around it.” 

Kieren looks up at him with a skeptical look. “I have to complete so many hours at the Give Back Scheme. But, what if it doesn’t do anything? What if it’s a scam?” 

He looks so lost, so worried, and Gary can’t help but open his arms and envelope Kieren in some kind of comforting gesture. 

“It will,” he tries to reassure, rubbing his thumb along Kieren’s shoulder soothingly. “You’ll get out of here, one way or another. I promise.” 

Kieren doesn’t look any happier, but he tucks his head against Gary’s shoulder and closes his eyes anyways. “I just want to get out of here, Gary.” 

“I know.” He murmurs back, and they fall asleep on the sofa with a sense of utter hopelessness. 

\----

Gary wakes up, and Kieren is shaking him. 

“I need you to give me my injection.” He says, and Gary feels odd. 

 

It’s new territory, that’s all, he tells himself as Kieren fumbles with something dangerous-looking. He’s long since stopped being afraid or insulted by the undead. It’s just. . . another surprise.

So he holds the injector in nervous hands after Kieren had done everything else for him, before turning his back on Gary and glancing back nervously. 

“Just pull my shirt down, and you’ll see a hole there,” 

Warm fingers graze across Kieren’s cool neck, down to the collar of his shirt to gently tug it down. A dark hole sits just between his shoulder blades. Gary swallows. 

“And you just put the injector in, and pull the trigger.” 

It must be an enormous display of trust, Gary realizes as he carefully inserts the injector. He wouldn’t let just anyone give him a shot. 

Slowly, he pulls the trigger. 

Kieren stiffens under him, hunched over on the couch, and Gary pulls away. “Kieren?” 

After a moment, he opens his eyes and looks at Gary. 

Pain lingers in his gaze. Gary’s heart aches. 

“Sorry. I zone out, sometimes, you know.” 

“It’s alright,” Gary promises, tugging Kieren to his chest and holding him there because _he doesn’t deserve this._

Kieren stays there for a long moment, before drawing away reluctantly. “I’ve gotta go. Give Back, you know.” 

“I’ll walk you,” Gary offers, and Kieren nods as he miserably picks his smock up off the floor. 

They walk in silence, but halfway there Gary takes his hand and twines their fingers together. Kieren almost smiles, so Gary’s more than happy to do it. 

When they reach the old building, countless orange smocks filter inside. They all look terribly unhappy. Gary feels a beat of pity for them all. 

“Well, I’ll see you.” Kieren murmurs, shifting. The orange isn’t flattering. It’s glaringly obvious to the both of them. 

Gary nods gently, and only when he must does he let their fingers part. “Yeah. I’ll see you.” 

Kieren gives him a ghost of a smile and turns, disappearing with the masses of orange smocks and concealed faces. 

Something strange twists in Gary’s chest. He can’t place it. 

Only as he starts walking does he realize what it is, and it terrifies him so much that he doesn’t notice anyone else walking down the street until he runs into them. 

“Oy, watch it-oh.” It’s an old partner from the since-disbanded HVF, and he’s tall enough to loom over Gary and look threatening even in the civvies he’s wearing. “Sorry, mate. Long morning, you know-” 

A fist collides with his face, and sends him crashing towards the floor. 

_Gary’s uncle was yelling._

_Yelling at Gary’s sister._

_And making her cry._

_Hot, sudden anger filled Gary, but he only acted on it when he saw his uncle raise a hand to hurt her._

_He jumped between them, and the first connected with Gary’s cheek and sent him crashing to the floor._

_His sister screamed._

_His uncle swore._

_Everything turned to static._

“What the hell was that for?” He demands as he scrambled to his feet, holding his cheek in hand. 

Gary’s never been particularly tall, but this man makes him feel like an ant. He sneers at Gary like _he_ just punched _him_.

“Should’ve known you were a fairy. Right obvious, lookin’ at you.” 

 

Gary opens his mouth to retort, but he just keeps going. 

“And that Walker lad, Jesus. What’s he, like, fifteen? How’s the cradle feel?” 

Gary isn’t entirely sure what happens, but his fist stings and the man is stumbling away from him with a hand to his eye. 

He glares at Gary for a long moment before stumbling past him, continuing his walk and leaving Gary alone. 

He tries not to feel hopeless. Like he’s slipping back into his uncle’s grip. 

There’s only one place for him to go, and he can’t even remember how to get there. 

\----

His uncle’s grave is old and dirty, but Gary guesses it gets the job done. 

His name’s there, and the year he was born, died. Gary’d been eighteen when he went. He didn’t feel so much as a twinge of sadness. 

_”Gary, I’m scared.”_

_“Don’t be.” Gary had soothed, as he’d had to since that day when he was twelve. He’d gotten rather good at it, but his sister didn’t seem comforted._

_She was extremely bright, for a twelve year old. But their uncle scared_ him _, so it only made sense that she was, too._

_The bathroom floor couldn’t quite accommodate the two of them anymore, as she was growing rather rapidly and Gary had finally hit his own growth spurt. But that was where they sat anyways, as they tried to clock out their uncle screaming at them to unlock the door, to let him in so that he could give Gary another black eye that he’d have to explain to his teachers tomorrow._

_The two of them didn’t move. They only clung desperately to one another and prayed, prayed to a god they’d never learned about for safely, for being able to make it through the night without too many bruises._

_“Hey,” he whispered in the darkness, seeking her hand and gripping it tightly. “Hey. We’ll be alright, yeah?”_

_“How?” She retorted, her voice tight with fear. “How will we ever be alright like this?”_

_She was right, of course. But Gary wasn’t ready to verbally admit that to her._

_He paused, choosing his words carefully, before speaking. “It will. You’ll get out of here, one way or another. I promise.”_

_She didn’t look convinced, but nodded slowly anyways._

_It was a start._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will be up on Tuesday.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieren's decline.

Kieren is different. 

It isn’t a bad change, Gary thinks, but it isn’t good. Just different. He can’t describe it. 

Kieren starts staying the night more often, and Gary learns to distribute his injection without flinching. He develops a love for Gary’s comforter, and makes it a point to stay in bed as long as he can every morning.

This is one of those mornings, but when Gary pads back into his bedroom Kieren’s staring. 

This is one of the changes. Kieren stares now, sometimes for hours and hours. 

He gives an inaudible sigh. “Is this one of the no-talking times?” 

Kieren doesn’t reply. Gary takes it as an affirmative. 

He moves around to the other side of the bed and lays on his back, staring at the ceiling and wondering what Kieren saw there. 

His sister used to stare like that, after sleepless nights spent shivering between yells and the sound of bottles breaking.

The thought makes him hurt. 

“You remember school?” He asks, not particularly expecting an answer. “You used to get coded for uniform violations almost every day. With those plaid pants and your boots.” 

He’d been a mere two years ahead of Kieren, and he remembers seeing him stopped in the hall by a teacher for something or another. Kieren had never made an effort to follow uniform. 

Kieren doesn’t make a sound. Gary continues anyways. 

“I used to see you in detention. I think that’s where we met. I fought, and you passively rebelled. What a pair we must make.” 

When he glances over, Kieren’s giving the most invisible of smiles. It’s not much, but it’s a start. 

It has to be enough, for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is shorter than the others! 
> 
> Next chapter will be up on Friday.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s three in the morning when Gary gets the most distressing call of his life. 

“Hello?” He _really_ doesn’t need to be awake at this hour. But Jem’s name glowed on his phone brightly, and it was a lost battle the moment he chose to open his eyes and see her contact on the display.

Something’s wrong. Jem is crying. 

“Gary, I-I-oh god, it’s-”

An armada of worst-case scenarios come to his head: Another Rising. Jem’s been shot. Kieren’s been shot. 

But of everything he’s thought of, nothing like _this_ comes to mind. 

“I-I caught Kiere, in the bathroom with his knife and-and he was trying to open up his stitches, Gar. And-I knew it wouldn’t get anywhere, but-” 

He’s gotten out of bed and is halfway dressed, but the new information makes him stop in his tracks. 

Kieren wouldn’t. He wouldn’t. 

Jem gives a shaky sob that crackles across the line.

“It’s my fault, I was supposed to get rid of that knife and I didn’t, Gary, I kept it.” 

“Hey. It’s alright.” He comforts, tugging on his shoes. He doesn’t bother with a coat, only gets out the door and finds his way to his car. “It’s not your fault.” 

“Who’s is it?”

It’s his. 

“It’s nobody’s. I’m on my way, alright?” 

Jem hangs up, and he hasn’t driven a car _this_ recklessly since he was eighteen. 

_”Come on, hurry up,” he’d murmured to his sister, watching as she gathered clothes into an overnight bag._

_Her eye was bruised. Gary’d had more than enough._

_He shouldered his own bag on and silently opened their door into the hallway, praying they were quiet enough not to wake their uncle, passed out in front of the TV._

_Carefully he led his sister out as quietly as he could manage down the hall and past their uncle, who didn’t rouse._

_He’d always kept his wallet and keys on the table by the front door, and this was what Gary counted tonight._

_They were doing to die, if this didn’t work. But something had to be done._

_The keys rested atop his wallet, though Gary only took one key (no need for others, he wasn’t planning on coming back)._

_The jingle of the keys slowly woke their uncle, and he stirred from the couch with a murderous look on his face._

_“And what the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?”_

_It was time. Gary took the wallet and threw the door open, pushing his sister out the door and dashing after her._

_His uncle was yelling something behind him, but he couldn’t listen as he unlocked the car doors and climbed into the driver’s seat._

_His uncle’s angry face appeared in the headlights, but he backed out and drove as far away as he could._

_His sister didn’t cry anymore, only gave shuttered breaths as he house seeped into the distance._

_“We’ll be okay, us.” He promised. He wasn’t sure he could keep it._

Halfway there, Gary stops. 

It’s his fault. Kieren doesn’t want to see him. 

He turns around and drives home. 

_I’m sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will be up on Tuesday.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary does what needs to be done.

Nothing hurts quite as much as breaking up for the good of a significant other. 

And yet here Gary is, standing outside Kieren’s door and trying to find the will in himself to knock. 

It has to be done, he reminds himself as he slowly raises his hand and knocks. 

Kieren doesn’t reply, but after a while Gary opens the door and lets himself in anyways.

He’s just. . . staring. 

“Kieren?” 

He doesn’t reply. Gary heaves a sigh and steps further into the room. 

He doesn’t flinch when Gary steps closer, doesn’t even raise his eyes when Gary takes a seat on the edge of the bed next to him.

He hesitates, but he knows he has to do it before he decides against it altogether. 

“Look, Kier,” he starts after a too-long pause, looking at the wall opposite rather than at the boy himself. “We just-I don’t think this is gonna work. Between us, I mean. So, I think we should take a break. Just until. . . we’re better.” Until _you’re_ better. “Okay?” 

When he looks over to Kieren, his face hasn’t changed. Somehow, though, Gary knows he was heard.

He doesn’t say anything for a while, vaguely hoping that Kieren might do or say _something_. But he doesn’t.

Gary doesn’t know where to go from here, so he keeps going as if nothing had changed. “They’re making a list of noncompliants, for Give Back. Better stop skipping, if you want the certificate.”

Kieren’s chest doesn’t rise and fall like it always did when he was around others. Gary wonders what it means. 

After a few moments he knows he’s overstayed his welcome. He stands up and takes one last look at Kieren. 

Unbreathing. Unmoving. Anyone else would think he was dead. 

Gary’s chest does something strange. 

“Bye, Kieren.” 

He doesn’t look back at Kieren as he reaches the door and steps through it. He couldn’t bear Kieren’s broken gaze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will be up Friday.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary checks up on Kieren, though he can't bring himself to do it in person.

Gary knows it’s wrong. 

He knows that not visiting Kieren isn’t right. He knows that he should, if only to try to coax some words or smiles out of the boy.

But he can’t. 

Even still, he wonders if it’s his fault. 

And eventually, he finds a way to keep tabs on Kieren without actually having to see him. 

Jem’s still a little sore about him abandoning Kieren at this point, but after a very long and very loud conversation she seems to understand, if only a little bit. 

And, given she’s closest to Kieren, Gary can check on him through her. 

“He’s getting bad, Gar.” She tells him the minute she picks up the phone. “Really bad. Mum and Dad’ve moved him to the couch in the living room so they can watch him all the time. They think if they leave him alone in his room he’ll find a way to. . . you know.” 

Gary paces the length of his own living room, running a hand over his tired face. He hasn’t been able to sleep in what feels like years. 

“We’re taking shifts to watch him,” Jem continues mercilessly, sounding worried. “It’s rough. He doesn’t talk or anything, just stares at the telly. Even if it’s off. It’s scary.” 

Gary’s chest tightens. He remembers taking shifts with Jem, when the undead had forced guns into their hands and made them shoot. 

He remembers taking another kind of shift a long time ago, and though the thought is unwelcome it comes bubbling to the surface anyways. 

_Gary’s shift was over, but he couldn’t bring himself wake her up._

_His sister had somehow managed to fall asleep atop the lumpy motel bed, and she’d looked so exhausted when they’d arrived that Gary only thought it right he stand watch for her just a little longer._

_So he took the extra shift, staring at the old door in front of him and just waiting for someone-their uncle, namely-to come busting it down._

_But he never came._

_The clock on the wall ticked endlessly._

_His sister resettled in her sleep._

_Maybe they’d be okay._

It’s another thing he loves about Jem: she’ll sit on the phone in silence for hours if it’s what Gary needs. She understands. 

“I’m sorry.” He murmurs, though he isn’t sure why. 

Jem heaves a heavy sigh, the kind that crackles over the line and ruins the illusion of her being in the room with him. “Don’t apologize.” She tells him firmly, but Gary doesn’t know what else to do. 

“It’s my fault,” he says after a few prolonged moments, sounding pathetically like a child.

“Stop.” She commands sharply, and she’s always been stronger than him. “Don’t put this on yourself. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s just a . . . thing. You couldn’t stop it.” 

Gary doesn’t think she’s right, but he doesn’t argue. There isn’t a point. 

Kieren’s lost, and Gary doesn’t know how to find him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will be up on Tuesday.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary watches Kieren for a day.

“I can’t, Jem. You know I can’t.” 

Jem gives an almost-exasperated but mostly-desperate sigh. “I know, Gar. But I’ve got class, and Mum and Dad have work. We don’t have anyone to watch him.” 

Gary doesn’t want to see Kieren, not the way Jem’s been describing him. But he knows he needs to. It’s only right. 

He pushes a hand through his hair. He must look terrible. “Alright, I’ll do it. Give me an hour.” 

The younger girl sounds pathetically relieved. “I owe you. Seriously. I can’t miss any more classes.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” He tries to sound light, but as he pulls himself up from the couch he feels terribly heavy. 

He can just barely hear Jem’s smile in her voice, and Gary feels just a little bit better.

“I’ll buy you a drink sometime. Promise.” She almost laughs. “I’ve gotta run. See you in an hour.” 

The phone goes dead, and Gary feels a tightness in his chest that he doesn’t want to connect to seeing Kieren. 

\----

When he parks outside the Walker house and climbs out, Jem is waiting for him. She’s in her school uniform, her tie done improperly. 

Gary doesn’t try to smile. He knows it isn’t worth the effort. “How is he?” 

“Not much different.” Jem sighs, and she’s chewing on her lower lip like she does when she’s nervous. “We were thinking of putting him on anti-depressants, but they won’t work on him.” She sounds worried. 

Gary wishes there was something he could do. But he knows there’s nothing. 

“He’ll be alright.” He assures, wrapping her up in a hug. He knows her well, knows how she fits in his arms and knows that she likes when he runs his fingers through her hair. You don’t truly know a person until you have to go into battle with them. 

“When?” She asks against his chest, voice small. 

He tries not to let himself fall apart, though he’s already in pieces. “I don’t know. But he will.” 

She pulls away after a prolonged moment, wiping at her eyes and looking up at him with a worried look on her face. “I’ve gotta go.” She steels herself into something emotionless, like she’s always been good at doing. “Good luck.” 

He watches her walk away, and civvies suit her. The HVF fatigues were always just a little too big. 

Then, he takes a measured breath and walks into the house. 

It’s worse than Jem had described. 

Kieren doesn’t even flinch when he steps into the room, his eyes unmoving from the television. Some movie runs on it lowly, but Gary doesn’t think the boy’s paying much attention. 

“Hey, Kier.” He murmurs when he gets close enough, but the younger doesn’t even acknowledge his presence. 

His contacts are out and reveal pearl-colored eyes, and though they somewhat unnerve Gary he doesn’t let himself be bothered. His cover-up mousse is smudged on his face, leaving patches of pale skin revealed beneath the poor recreation of life-like skin. 

Gary slowly approaches and lowers himself onto the couch next to Kieren, not daring to touch him. “How’re you feeling?” 

He doesn’t expect a reply, and he doesn’t get one. The telly drones on in front of them. 

Gary wants to help. He wants so desperately to help, but the thought of him reaching out and Kieren flinching away is almost too much to bear. 

So he doesn’t reach out, only stares at Kieren’s unmoving profile. His chest doesn’t rise and fall like it used to. Gary’s chest, on the other hand, does something strange. 

Kieren only moves once, to glance down at his clothed wrist. He doesn’t move to tug up his sleeves, just stares. Gary thinks his gaze is almost longing. 

“Hey,” he murmurs because he has to do _something,_ has to try and distract Kieren somehow. “Don’t look at them. It only makes everything harder.” 

He thinks back to the cuts that he used to have to look at every time he changed, the harsh reminder of how dangerous his uncle could be with a steak knife in his hand. Looking at them only made his head hurt, so he moved his mirror and stopped letting himself see them. 

The dull scars still sit on his chest, his arms. He doesn’t look anymore, no matter how much he feels like drawing back in the memories. 

Kieren doesn’t acknowledge him still, but he moves his eyes back to up to the television slowly. It’s a start. 

They spend hours like that, not-touching on the sofa and staring at whatever show is on. 

Gary can’t muster the courage to say anything more, and Kieren doesn’t volunteer. 

By the time Jem gets home he almost feels sick, and he stumbles out of the house and into the cooling autumn air before he can say or do something horrible.

Why did this have to happen? Kieren doesn’t deserve this sorrow, this thing slowly eating him up inside. _Nobody_ deserves this, but especially not his Kieren. 

As he climbs into the car his heart aches, and he isn’t sure he remembers how to breathe properly. 

He pulls out of the driveway and down the street, though all he can see is Kieren’s pinprick eyes boring into the wall, into his arms. 

He wishes he could help.

And he _hates_ that he can’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this is late! The next chapter will absolutely be up on Friday.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieren goes missing.

Gary somehow reaches his home (not even his, his parents’), and steps inside to silence. 

He isn’t sure what he was expecting. But it feels emptier, somehow. He feels more alone. 

Pressing on, all he does is kick off his shoes and tug off his coat before starting towards his bedroom. 

Maybe he could sleep Kieren off. 

He falls into bed and forces his mind to shut down, to stop producing thoughts like _KierenKierenKierenKieren._

Eventually he falls asleep, and he dreams of pale faces and cold hands. 

\----

Gary hates whatever bloody idiot invented cell phones. 

Because right now his phone incessantly rings by his ear, disrupting the fragile construct of sleep he’d created and forcing his eyes to open. 

_Jem,_ the wretched display says along with a terribly old photo of her, grinning at the camera between him and Dean, all in their old uniforms and with drinks in their hands. He never remembered those kind of memories, the happy kind with laughter and the denial that what they were doing was killing people.

There isn’t a point in trying to sleep again, so he rubs a hand over his face and picks up the phone. “Hello?” 

“Gary,” her voice is hurried and afraid, and it feels far too familiar for Gary. “Gary, he’s gone. I was supposed to watch him, but I fell asleep, and-” her voice cuts off, but quickly returns. “He’s gone. I can’t find him.” 

He’s up and tugging on his coat before he can truly realize what he’s doing, but he doesn’t let himself think about it as he hangs up the phone and tugs open his door to step out-

-and nearly steps on him. 

Kieren’s curled up on his doorstep, and as the cold seeps easily through Gary’s coat and into his bones he realizes there’s frost on the boy’s eyelashes. 

He’s asleep, contorted on the old welcome mat like some kind of gymnast, but restful. And though Gary knows he has to get him out of the cold, he can’t bear the thought of waking him up. Not after what Jem had told him, about Kieren not sleeping. 

After a chilling moment of deliberation Gary sighs, leaning down and scooping Kieren into his arms and gently picking him up. He weighs almost nothing, and if he weren’t undead Gary might be concerned. 

He carefully sets Kieren down on the couch when he reaches it and looks around for a blanket, finally discovering a warm quilted thing and covering him up with it. The quilted pattern looks familiar, and Gary’s suddenly hit with a memory so poignant it makes his head spin. 

_She’d wanted to see it, their parents’ house. The way life was before they were tossed mercilessly into orphan lives._

_Gary hadn’t thought it was a good idea, but she’d asked and asked until eventually he had no choice, snuck out with her one late night and slipped into the house that would eventually become theirs once they hit eighteen._

_“This is it,” he’d said simply, leaning against the wall and feeling terribly out of place. It was too empty, too dusty and too cold for it to be his parent’s home. When they’d been alive everything was bright with color and lively with voices. Now it seems like a cold, artificial replication of that. He didn’t like it._

_But his sister didn’t know this, and she moved around as if it were a museum; look, don’t touch._

_Hesitantly, she reached out and opened the closet door, stepping in and feeling the fabric between her fingers. “These are nice blankets.”_

_“I think she used to knit them.” Gary murmured in vague reply, unable to get out the word_ mother _._

_The girl nodded softly and tugged out an old quilt, looking at it. “I think I remember this one.”_

_“Do you?” He asked, heart aching. He wished she could remember more of them, of their parents and how kind they were._

_“Yeah.” She confirmed, and Gary wanted to scream._

This isn’t right. 

But nothing’s _ever_ been right and nothing _will be_ right, because he’s taken the life out of people’s eyes and there are no reparations for that. 

And yet he covers Kieren with the quilt, mother-made and sister-held, and watches carefully as he shifts and finds comfort in Gary’s old house. The house with the peeling wallpaper and the homemade blankets where Gary lives now. 

Nobody else has seen that blanket, since the day his sister pulled it from the closet and complemented its pattern. 

Why is he so willing to give this piece of his past to Kieren? What makes him so special? 

Gary knows. He knows what makes Kieren so special, knows what makes Gary’s stomach flip every time the boy walks into the room or looks at him or smiles gently. 

He can’t admit it. Not to himself. 

So he sits down beside Kieren, and waits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted early, as reparations for my late one. 
> 
> Next chapter will be up on Tuesday (promise!)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieren wakes up.

Gary doesn’t sleep that night. He can’t, because every last worst case scenario is running rampant in his mind because even though Kieren’s right there he’s also miles away and Gary doesn’t know what will bring him closer. 

He sits there for what must be hours, head spinning with toxic ideas. He doesn’t try to close his eyes. He knows the effort would be fruitless. 

Then, like clockwork, Kieren’s eyelids flutter open at precisely eight in the morning and blink three times, before turning to look around the room. 

Gary shouldn’t have noticed all of this, but he’s been watching Kieren for so long this small awakening seems almost cataclysmic. 

He doesn’t speak, too afraid to scare the boy off with the sudden noise. So he simply watches, stares at Kieren’s mussed blond hair until his white eyes turn to meet Gary’s. 

The moment makes his heart want to stop. It pushes on, though, making his chest pound like Kieren’s doesn’t. He wants to look away, but he won’t let himself. 

Kieren doesn’t speak, or reach out for Gary, or pull away from him entirely. He just holds his gaze for a few more long moments before turning his eyes towards the wall and keeping them there. 

Distantly, Gary notices that Kieren’s hands are shaking atop the quilt. It can’t be from the cold; he remembers Kieren telling him that in the days he talked and wasn’t so terribly sad. 

_“I can sort of feel that,” he’d said sleepily to Gary one late night, after he’d ran his fingers along Kieren’s spine._

_Gary was naive, then. He knew almost nothing about PDS sufferers, other than the one currently in his bed, with his head on Gary’s chest and his soft hair falling messily past his artificial brown eyes. “Can’t you feel everything?”_

_He’d shook his head, turning over to look at Gary’s face. “Almost nothing,” he’d murmured softly, voice small. “No pain, no temperature, no hugs. The pressure’s there, but there’s none of the comfort. It’s more like two walls closing in on you.”_

_Gary couldn’t imagine that. A hug without the warmth, a punch without the pain._

_Kieren seemed to note his distress, and brought a hand up to run along Gary’s jaw. “‘S not all bad. No more headaches.”_

_He tried to smile, but didn’t quite make it. Kieren didn’t deserve this, he’d found himself thinking for the thousandth time. It was torture._

Why are his hands shaking? They shouldn’t be, and though a spike of worry and anxiety fills Gary he knows he can’t ask. Shouldn’t ask. 

So he doesn’t, only shifts in his seat and turns back to stare at the wall opposite him. 

Beside him, Kieren’s hands shake endlessly and his eyes rest endlessly at the wall. 

It was to be okay like this. There’s no other choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will be up on Friday.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets better.

Slowly, Kieren improves. 

It’s an achingly difficult process, and Gary can’t recall ever being as patient as he has been in the past week. But he has to. 

He knows that one too-loud voice or too-sudden sound could bring them back to the beginning, to Kieren staring at the wall and Gary just wishing he could make it better. 

So he’s patient. He speaks in soft voices and carefully sets his things down without too much noise. Kieren watches him move about the house, and eventually stands up to follow him into the kitchen. He doesn’t say anything when he does this, only hangs in the doorway and watches Gary as he makes himself breakfast. 

Once Gary’s finished with breakfast he turns to face Kieren, watching the way his pinprick eyes linger on the dirty pan in Gary’s sink. 

He doesn’t quite look at Gary, never does, and after awhile he turns and shuffles out of Gary’s sight. 

After a silent moment Gary follows him, worry tightening his chest. But when he finds Kieren, he can’t find it in him to hold on to his worry. 

Kieren’s laying atop his bed, curled on his side, eyes closed. His hands still shake, have been for days. 

“Do you want a blanket?” He asks, and without expectation for a reply he turns to fish one out from the closet. 

“Yes.” His voice is almost too quiet to hear, but Gary doesn’t care. It might be getting better. That’s more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than usual, I'm sorry! The next chapter will be up on Tuesday, as per usual.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kieren and Simon can't sleep.

Kieren gets better. 

He moves around a bit more and starts speaking in complete sentences, and he doesn’t quite smile yet but it doesn’t matter, he’s getting better. 

Gary’s so pleased he could cry. 

Kieren sleeps in bed with him most nights, and though they never quite touch it’s nice to know that Kieren’s just an arm’s length away. 

Especially when he can’t sleep. 

“Gary?” 

And apparently, neither can Kieren. 

“Are you awake?” 

“Yeah.” 

Kieren shifts onto his side, tugging the blankets closer to his thin frame. “I can’t sleep, some nights. All the stuff I saw just . . .sticks in my head, sometimes.” 

“Yeah?” Gary knows the feeling. “I get that, too.” 

There’s a soft noise of sheets rustling, and though they’re still not quite touching Kieren’s suddenly so much closer. “What haunts you?” 

That first night. 

_He couldn’t believe this._

_First night out with the newly-erected HVF, and he’d been stuck with the kid._

_He couldn’t_ believe _this._

_The kid, Jem, was a mere fourteen, and though she had a gun in her hands she still looked like she would belong better in a school than out in the woods._

_And yet there they were, Gary trusting the tiny thing to watch his back should a rotter suddenly appear and aim for his throat._

_She looked like his sister looked: wide-eyed, scared as a deer in the headlights, but strong. Her eyes were different, but the rest was almost uncanny._

_His sister, who was long dead._

_His head ached. He closed his eyes._

_“Look out!”_

_Before he could so much as open his eyes again, a gunshot rang in his ears and something wet splattered over the side of his face and clothes._

_When he finally forced his eyes open, a body was laying at his feet and Jem was holding the gun up, her shuddering breaths the only noise in the whole area._

_He reached up and wiped his face, hand coming away dark with rotter blood._

_He hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath until he let it out, his just as shaky as hers._

_“Are-Are you okay?” He asked, and she slowly lowered the gun to her side and stared at the body limp at his feet._

_“Are_ you _?”_

 _That was answer enough for the both of them._

“My first kill.” Gary murmurs quietly, thinking about the way it’d all happened. “It was my first time out. I was terrified. Really terrified, and your sister-well, I didn’t think she would watch my back, being a kid and all. But she saved me.”

Kieren almost smiles. Almost. “Never doubt Jem.” 

“She was fourteen, in my defense.” He says back lightly, letting the moment linger before moving on. “What’s your nightmare about?” 

Kieren presses his lips together softly in consideration before he speaks. 

“This one kill, it-” His voice catches, but he keeps going. “It was at the Stop n’ Shop. I. . . I’d killed this HVF girl, Lisa.” 

Lisa. Gary’d known her, known that Jem had been close with her. Part of him knew where this was going, but desperately hoped he was wrong. 

“I was . . eating her, you know, when I heard someone with a gun behind me.” Tears filled Kieren’s eyes. “And it was Jem.” 

He scrubs a hand quickly over his face. “Imagine seeing your sister for the first time in. . . I didn’t know how long, and she’s pointing a gun at you. And you don’t-you don’t even recognize her, really, but you know she’s not going to hurt you and you’re not going to hurt her, so you just go back to what you were doing because that’s all you remember how to do.” 

He breaks off, and Gary can’t help but reach out and set his hand over Kieren’s. It’s little comfort, but Gary knows that there’s a line that can’t be crossed just yet. 

Kieren shakes with a sob. Gary’s chest aches. 

“It’s not your fault,” Gary says, although he knows Kieren won’t believe him. “You were just . . . doing what you could. We all were. We all did things in the Rising we didn’t want to do because we had to survive. It’s nobody’s fault.” 

If someone had told him four months ago that he’d be trying to comfort a rotter, let alone his rotter boyfriend, he’s have decked them in the face. But things have changed. 

“Don’t say that. I could’ve stopped myself, if I’d tried hard enough, I-”

“You’d’ve starved.” Gary interrupts, looking at Kieren steadily. “Would that really have been any better?” 

 

Kieren doesn’t look at him. “I wouldn’t have hurt people. I would have just-it would’ve been better without me.” 

Gary aches to help, to make Kieren see just how much better the world is with him, that he’s here for a reason and that he’s perfect. But he isn’t sure how to put all of this into words that Kieren will understand. 

So he just slowly tugs Kieren to his chest and holds him tightly, feeling the younger man shake in his arms. 

“I’m glad you’re here. I’d go crazy without you.” 

Kieren doesn’t look at him, only closes his eyes and tries to even his phantom breath. 

Gary just pulls him closer, and hopes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter will be up on Friday.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary retrieves some of Kieren's clothes, and comes home to a chilling shock.

They fall into a routine. 

Wake up, change-and that’s where the first problem arises.

Kieren’s grown tired of wearing the same clothes day after day, and has taken up wearing Gary’s. They’re too big in some places and too small in others, and when Gary finally finds himself with a day off he decides to get get some of Kieren’s clothes from his house. 

The boy in question declines the offer to join Gary, seeing as he’s still in bed and has apparently no plans to get up whatsoever. 

So Gary sets off alone, on his way to the Walker household with the intent of getting Kieren some proper clothes. 

\----

“A boy likes me,” Jem says from where she’s lounging in Kieren’s bed, watching Gary as he roots through Kieren’s closet. “His name’s Henry. He’s sweet.” 

Gary can hear the smile in her voice, and he’s happy for her. Truly. But he’s caught up in his current mission, too much so to really be able to take in all the words. “Does Kier wear any of this stuff anymore?” 

She turns to squint at the closet, before shaking her head. “Nah, not really. The jeans he wears are in his drawers, and the shirts are folded up. I think he’s got a few hoodies laying around.” 

Gary doesn’t mention it, but he can tell she’s wearing one of Kieren’s hoodies herself. 

“What’s this boy like?” He asks when he successfully locates the clothing, glancing over at Jem. 

“You remember Henry, from my year? It’s him.” 

He raises an eyebrow. “Henry Londsdale? Where’s he been all this time?” 

“Well, he’s PDS. So he’s still fourteen.” 

Ah. Makes sense. 

“Can’t make judgements.” Gary murmurs with a small smile. “Sounds like we have similar tastes.” 

Jem laughs. “I don’t know if I _like_ him, yet. But he’s nice.” 

Gary only shakes his head softly and conceals his smile. “It sounds like you _like_ him.” 

“Yeah, but. . .” She gives a long sigh. “He’s going to be fourteen forever.” 

“That is true.” 

“I don’t know what to do, Gary.” 

Gary glances over as he tosses Kieren’s clothes into a bad. “I guess you just can’t let it bother you, if you like him.” 

He turns to look at her, and she’s smiling gently up at him. “You really do love him, don’t you?” 

Her eyes are wide and expectant like his sister’s used to be, and he turns to look down at the clothes in his hands. 

“I don’t know.” He says after a while with a shrug. 

“I do.” Jem grins at him, and he can’t help but feel like she’s right. 

\----

“Kier? Are you still in bed?” He calls when he returns home, lugging a bag of Kieren’s clothes behind him. When he reaches the living room, though, it slips out of his hands and onto the floor. 

Kieren’s just . . . staring. 

He’s sitting on the couch, a blanket tugged over him carelessly as he stares. 

Gary’s heart stops. Kieren’s getting bad again, slipping back beneath the slipper sand of sadness. And Gary doesn’t know how to pull him out. 

“Kieren?” He murmured cautiously, taking small steps closer. He doesn’t want this to happen all over again. And Kieren had been doing _so good._

But he doesn’t keep staring. Rather he turns to Gary slowly, white eyes wide with something Gary can’t place-reverence? Fear? Excitement? 

“Gary-” His voice cuts off, and he slowly pulls himself to his feet and stumbles towards him. 

“What’s wrong? Kieren, tell me,” he demands as gently as he can, taking Kieren’s hands when he reaches out. 

He lets out a surprised noise, staring into Gary’s eyes still. “Gary, I can feel.” He murmurs, wrapping cold fingers around Gary’s and holding on as tightly as he could. “I can _feel._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end! Just two more chapters left! 
> 
> The next one will be up Tuesday.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gary says something he's been needing to say.

It must be odd, Gary thinks as Kieren drags him onto the sofa and burrows against his side, suddenly being returned the blessing of touch with no prior warning at all. 

And though he _has_ been able to feel all this time, it feels like it’s been years since Kieren had last held onto his hand and attached himself to Gary this carelessly, this affectionately.

A giddy smile finds its way to his face and he holds onto Kieren tightly, unwilling to ever let go again. 

“What does this mean, Gary?” Kieren asks, and Gary doesn’t know or care because Kieren can _feel_ again, and before he knows entirely what he’s doing his lips are latched to Kieren’s and it’s like plunging into ice water that first time. 

When he finds it in him to pull away Kieren stares with an indistinguishable look on his face and Gary’s heart drops. 

He’s stepped over a line, an unspoken “I’m not ready” that Gary should’ve seen but didn’t. 

Before he can tear himself apart, though, Kieren’s face splits into the biggest, brightest smile Gary’s ever seen. 

Kieren’s _smiling_ , really smiling like he’s just received the best news of his life and the next words out of Gary’s mouth are what he’d been needing to say since he first sat down for drinks with Kieren. 

“I love you.” 

The uncertainty of Kieren’s reaction makes his heart pound, but the words are already put into the air and it’s far too late to snatch them back now. 

But Kieren doesn’t brush him off or shake his head, doesn’t tell him not to say things like that or push him away entirely. Instead his grin brightens even more, showing off bright white teeth that Gary hasn’t seen in too long. 

He tries to compose himself but can’t manage, and every time his grin is reigned in it only breaks out again. “I love you too, Gary.” 

It’s such a relief to hear those words from Kieren’s lips, and Gary can’t help but give his own smile in return. 

Kieren leans up to press his lips against Gary’s, and he would gladly die today if it meant he could keep this moment forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last and final chapter will be up on Friday.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It ends the way it begins.

Life couldn’t be any better, in Gary’s eyes. 

Kieren stands up and twirls around the house with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders on a regular basis. Sometimes he’ll take Gary’s hands and drag him along, smiling and laughing and brightening Gary’s life in every way possible.

He watches Gary cook and tells him stories about Jem from when they were children, and one day he reaches over and pops a biscuit into his mouth without a second glance. 

“Kieren?” Gary asks, pausing to look up at the younger. 

Kieren’s lounging on the counter, and he looks up with a questioning look on his face. “Hm?” 

“You just ate a biscuit,” he tells him, turning back to his food while still keeping an eye on him. “Feeling alright?” 

He stares at the ground for a long moment, before giving the false smile that Gary can sense from a mile away. “Yeah, ‘course.” He chews on his lower lip anxiously. “Weird.” 

That night, after Gary’s eaten and is sitting on the couch, Kieren shuffles out of the room. 

And just as Gary’s opening his mouth to ask what he’s doing, a song crackles to life on the record player. 

Frank Sinatra. 

And they think they’re not sentimental. 

Kieren walks back into the room and comes to a stop in front of Gary, offering a hand to him. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Asking you to dance with me.” 

Gary stares up into Kieren’s white eyes for a moment before giving in. He takes the boy’s hand and stands up, putting his hands where he knew they went from the movies. 

They sway gently to the music for a time, and Kieren tucks his head against Gary’s shoulder without a word in a gesture of real love that makes Gary’s heart melt. He can feel the boy’s eyelashes graze against his neck when he blinks. It’s another reminder. Gary’s so happy he could cry.

It’s horribly romantic, but Gary doesn’t care. He loves Kieren, and Kieren loves him. It’s-

“Gary.” 

His voice is so sudden it takes Gary by surprise, and concern suddenly clouds his senses. “What? What’s wrong?” 

Kieren pulls away from their embrace to stare at Gary, eyes glistening with emotion and worry. Then, wordlessly, he takes Gary’s hand and places it on his chest. 

“I think my heart, it’s-” he pauses, giving a lost breath. “It’s beating.” 

Gary pauses, waits. It is. It’s beating, beneath cold skin that’s suddenly warming. 

It’s happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! I hope you enjoyed, and I hope you'll comment + give kudos! 
> 
> If you want to follow me on tumblr, I'm little-floral. 
> 
> Thank you!


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